surrogate parenthood, a necessary experience!

i am on day three of four … i am half way through my last day of…

let’s try this one last time. last week i experienced something rather interesting: surrogate “single” parenthood! yup. my good friends gwen and brent spent four days living it up in new york city in only the way the parents of three rambunctious boys aged two, five and seven can. yes, they likely enjoyed quiet times where no one was calling their name out every thirty seconds, they probably ate leisurely dinners without repeatedly asking their five year old to eat his peas; they probably slept in and woke up naturally rather than having a seven year old come bursting into their room asking for breakfast, or they were able to simply walked through time square without having to play red light green light in order to keep each other entertained! making this possible for them was their single, childless friend who placed her life on hold to step into the parental shoes of another! (my false starts to this post is courtesy of my temporary role as a parent).

i had no idea what i was in for. i anticipated there would messes to clean up, arguments to moderate, tears to wipe; that i would have to get up earlier than my usual to make breakfast, brush teeth, pack lunches and send the little ones off to school; and that my day would be busy with activity as dictated by the kiddos rather than my own desires. i even knew i would have to change poopy diapers - something i have not done in many, many years (and am very happy to avoid this for years to come). what i did not expect was… that i would desire (and even look forward to) an 8pm bedtime, feeling like my personal space was continually invaded without care, or experiencing a complete personality change within myself at 3pm; nor did i expect to hate the sound of my own name or to be criticized for the way i make tuna melts or for forgetting to get drinks for their meal! i also did not anticipate that my day would travel according to three different time speeds: my time, seven year old time and five year old time (the two year old is quite accommodating and obedient!). i did not expect to be so frustrated by so many little things!

a few observations from my experience:

-       -children have no concept of personal space.

-       -it requires a lot of repetition and an escalating voice volume to motivate a five year old to get dressed in the morning.

-       -if you make the same breakfast two mornings in a row a child may ask you why you always make the same breakfast.

-       -you can expect that a child will find at least one reason to get out bed after you have already turned out the light, closed the door and said goodnight two other times!

-       -kid friendly food is the reason why dairy farmers will never go out of business, holy cheesus!

-       -the youngest child of any family is likely to be the one who bosses the family pets around.

-       -bath time quadruples the time it takes to complete the getting-ready-for-bed-routine.

-       -five year olds are capable of vacuuming!

-       -we get frustrated with things just like kids do, and even use the same forms of outward expression, only kids don’t hide their wining, jumping up and down, angry sighs and etc., and for some reason it is so much more annoying when kids are frustrated than when i am!

-       -children never seem to want to do anything you ask them to do when you ask them to do it. 

-       -a two year old who climbs out of his crib during his nap time to tell you he pooped his diaper is both annoying and wonderful.

-       -it takes very little attention to make a child happy, but this attention and the happiness that ensues is soon forgotten.

this experience has been incredibly eye opening. i knew being a parent was tough and it required a lot of sacrifice. my sister-in-law, who became a first time mother in january, has expressed to me that it has been the most difficult thing she has ever done. and my friend abigail, a full-time mom, confessed that having children forces you to self improve, otherwise the little ones suffer the most. and that is the most surprising part of this whole experience! i did not expect to have three little “mirrors” reminding me about how much self-improving i still have to do! it is very humbling when you ask a five year old who is mumbling or whining about bumping his arm what he would like you to do about the bump and he responds: “i want you to care!” ouch. how on earth do you respond to something like that, other than realize what a horrible and a non-compassionate person you are!?

i highly recommend this experience to all childless people - single or married! rarely do we human beings have the opportunity to step into the shoes of another and experience a bit of what they live everyday. i now understand the importance of hanging out with my friends when they call and say, “i need to get out and drink some wine,” or the frustration parents exhibit when their four year old won’t eat her dinner, or why just stopping in for tea can be such a life-giving moment for the parent whose day-that-revolves-around-children begins at 7am when their seven year old bursting into their room and whose day does not end until that same seven year old finally listens and stops getting out of bed after you’ve already said goodnight! yes, parents have chosen this life for themselves, but they should not have to be alone in their choice. it takes a village to raise a child, right? wouldn’t that mean that being a lifeline for the parents is a big part of that?

if you have any hesitation about stepping into this experience, think about this: without this experience, i never would have had a cute boy named ben pick me a yellow flower, i never would have felt the satisfaction of teaching boys to make cupcakes, felt the joy of having a two year old look to me for comfort when he fell, i never would have had an articulate and intelligent boy named nathaniel buy me ice cream, i never would have reason to make muffins in the morning or to go on a date to the bistro with a sweetheart named joseph, and… i never would have had he privilege of participating in a much needed rest for my rock-star friends whose last trip together, sans kids, was more than seven years ago!

here are a few shots from my week with nathaniel, ben and joseph (these photos are all straight out of camera - no edits)!

i bought the boys activity colouring books that they then build into a pirate ship and a castle! super awesome, very time consuming, and maintained their focus for long periods of time... definitely a winner!

apparently crusts have koodies or something!

i would have starved, or been cooking all day if i didn't embrace the kid friendly food, which is toasted and smothered in cheese. the plate loaded with veggies is mine :)

snot running down the face into the mouth... a regular occurrence apparently.

again with those activity books! 

yup. i made cupcakes with the boys and there was little whining, no tears and minimal fingers stuck in the batter and then licked!

big brother helping little brother... so precious. 

this was sanctioned licking of the spoons!

time for icing!

and sprinkles!

i love the look of excitement on nate's face as he peels off the paper liner from the cupcake!

even joe got to help!

ta-da!

the flower that ben picked for me.

i thought it would be fun for the boys to blow up balloons for brent and gwen - a fun way to end the week and make it real for them that mom and dad would be home when they woke up in the morning!! we left the balloons all piked onto brent and gwen's bed!!!

i also had party poppers for them to set off.... brent told me he still wakes up in the morning finding the streamers stuck to his face (so maybe the surprise was more the kids benefit :)

nathaniel, ben, and joseph - you guys rock!

love & sunshine,
shannon-may